Strategy #34: Teach rather than preach

Preaching has an impatient, condescending spirit to it. Teaching is different. It is sharing and discovery. It honors the learner as an essential contributor.

I will be honest, I struggle with this. I think there is a fine line, that I too often cross as I think I am teaching my daughter. But if I really stopped and listened to myself, I would find that I am preaching! So, how do I stay on the side of teaching without slipping into preaching? I think first and foremost is the spirit in which we do it in. If we catch ourselves lecturing, or speaking down to our child, then we are definitely preaching. But, if we get down at our child’s level, maybe hold the child, and then in a loving tone, explain why we don’t throw objects in the house, giving them the opportunity to also think of consequences of their actions, the home will be a much more peaceful place and our child will have been taught. Another way to teach our children is through example. As Dr. Goddard points out in this strategy, children see what methods are used by their parents, and in turn repeat those same methods.

Stretegy #37: Learn your children’s languages of love

Effective parenting requires us to deliver what is important to the specific child we are loving.

We can deliver the message in the way that works for each child. How can we know what each child wants? We can notice what each child asks for. We can notice how each child tends to show love. And we can notice what we have done in the past that seemed to be an effective message of love for that child.

We all have different things that help us feel loved and safe. For example, my oldest daughter loves to have her back scratched and rubbed. When she is feeling distraught or upset or is just needing some extra attention, if I hold her or lay her head on my lap and rub her back, she calms. I cherish these moments in our otherwise loud and chaotic life (because come on, isn’t life with young energetic children always loud and chaotic - if not - them let me in in your secret!). I’ve also found that singing soothing, familiar songs helps both of my girls. But lets say, that instead of taking a break and rubbing my daughters back while singing a song, I offer to make a big bowl of spaghetti ( I know food spells love to me!). Do you think my daughter will respond as well, or feel as loved as she would’ve if I’d just taken that moment to speak her love language? Most likely not.

So take the time to observe your children and discover their love language.

*I recommend reading Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages,if you want to learn more on this subject.

“The walk is likely to be helpful if we use the time to enjoy God’s world. The time is likely to be unproductive if we mentally heap hot coals upon our children’s heads. … As our focus turns from our irritation to our blessings, we are likely to have more helpful perspective.”

Sometimes it is helpful to step away from the situation and allow our minds to turn towards something else. I know that when I am feeling especially frustrated or upset, removing myself from the situation and getting out, helps me refocus my heart and mind. Even if I need to take my girls with me, just being away from where the problems were occurring (most often at home), brings me peace, and renews my energy, thus enabling me to interact more effectively with my children (and my husband).

Strategy #13: Breathe deeply

“Some people us a mindfulness of breathing as part of meditation. It can turn us from fretting to relaxing. It can help us resist anger.”

This strategy really compliments strategy #20. While going walking, I find it calming, and re-centering to breathe deeply. It helps me relax and turn my thoughts and feelings from anger, frustrations and irritations, and then return to the situation and take a more gentle approach in dealing with the issues.

“Very often we judge our children’s behavior on their effects on us. If their actions (or inactions) irritate me, then the children are malicious – or at least careless and irresponsible.”

The issue that this strategy addresses, is one that I find I fall into so easily. While I don’t often feel as though my children are maliciously acting, I do often get irritated, and find myself thinking that it was done on purpose, or it was done because they weren’t listening or as the quote said being careless. For example, my three year old has this habit of moving her toys from one floor to another when picking up…it drives me nuts! But if I stop for a moment, I realize that she isn’t doing it to irritate me, chances are, she just needs me to give more detailed instructions. So, I could ask that she “put the toys away in their tubs, where they belong.” In addition, it would help if I take the time to help her and pick up along side of her. Yes, I know, this last part is hard, especially when you have a lot on your plate, like most parents do. But, I believe it will help her focus. Just to get her started might be enough.

“Sometimes their mistakes are simply the result of not knowing better, or being tired, or feeling thwarted and frustrated. To treat them harshly for their humanness is counterproductive.”

It is hard to know what our children are thinking, especially when they are young, as mine are. They have limited vocabulary and experience, and explaining things may not be easy for them. Sometimes we have to look at their actions to know, other times, getting down at their level to speak to them. I think my biggest problem is that I get caught up with what I am doing, that I just don’t take the time to observe or ask. By doing this, I would understand the situation, and my reaction to the behavior and/or mistake would be more gentle.

Strategy #16: Make sure your actions match your words

“Children only learn the meaning of our words by connecting them with our actions. When our words and actions don’t match, they believe our actions and ignore our words.”

How many times have you said one thing and then done the complete opposite without even thinking about it? I know I have. Or how about, said you were going to do something and then not followed through. A simple example, my three year old asks me to have daddy come back upstairs to give her another hug and kiss before she goes to bed. I go downstairs, get involved in something, and totally forget. Or maybe I go downstairs and in the hope that she just goes to sleep, I don’t tell him. What does this say to my daughter? That her request is not important to me? Do you think she’ll believe me as readily the next time, or the time after that?

Or what about those times when you tell your child that he’ll have to go sit in time out if he continues talking back and hitting you, but when he continues, you just give the same warning. Do you think he believes that you are actually going to do something?

Dr. Wally points out two important keys in this strategy:
(1) you should only say what intend to enforce
(2) you should only make rules that are important enough to enforce

This really takes a mindful effort at times. But it will save you a lot of trouble in the long run. I’ll be back tomorrow with a review of the next two strategies on my list.

As a joint effort, Dr. Wally and I are looking to give a complimentary copy of this book to mothers groups, book groups, discussion forums, etc. (both online and off) with the request that in return they will review the book, share it with others, and encourage its use for discussion. Either discuss the book in its entirety or take turns discussing each chapter/section. To get the most out of the book, we do encourage each group member to have his/her own copy, as there are activities for applying the strategies taught at the end of each section. Please contact me if you are interested.

Synopsis

Short tempers and lapses of patience are a common challenge for parents, but they are also conquerable with the advice in this book. Each chapter contains a concept, including choosing laughter over accusation, putting off until tomorrow what shouldn’t be said today, making sure actions match words, choosing to see the good, and making allowance for childishness. The challenge of being a little softer and kinder with children becomes a little easier for parents with these simple and practical strategies.

To read about Dr. Wally click here

Review

This book has been adapted to for both the general audience as well as Latter-day Saint audiences (The Soft Spoken Parent: 50 Ways to Not Lose Your Temper With Your Kids). Being LDS, I naturally read the edition written for Latter-day Saint audiences, but did spend some time comparing both editions.

The content is very much the same between the two books. Soft-Spoken Parenting, which was written for general audiences, does not have the same religious undertones, anecdotes or use of scriptures and quotes by LDS leaders. In addition The Soft-Spoken Parent has 5 more strategies that are focused more on religious aspects, where as Soft-Spoken Parenting only has the 50 strategies. Both have a wealth of information and the depth and richness of the strategies leaves one feeling uplifted and gives hope for change and improvement. Dr. Goddard speaks to the heart of the parent and provides clear direction for healthy and happy interactions with our children. His very words encourage change and optimism.

As a parent of two children, one of whom is a strong and spirited child. I often struggle with my temper when dealing with her; likely because we are very much the same. But my reactions to her and her reactions toward me, if not correct could leave scars on our relationship over time, which is something I do not want. I read this book as much for my relationship with my children, as for my work with Dr. Goddard. What a gift to have these strategies at hand! I know where I will be turning when struggles arise – to these strategies!

In the book Dr. Goddard, discusses the importance of putting our energy into those strategies that fit us well. He encouraged me personally to find the 10 strategies that I felt most compelled towards. Over the next week I will be taking a brief moment to review those 10 strategies that I felt were most relevant to me and my situation. While I only chose 10, there were pieces of many, if not all, of the strategies, that I felt would help in my interactions with my children. I encourage you to read the book, and put your energy into practicing those strategies that fit you and your family’s needs. If you do so, your relationship and interactions with your children will improve. I’ve seen the difference that a few days can make, and while I know that there will be times in which I forget to use these strategies (and there already has been) and their will be stumbles along the way, I look forward with hope that in the years to come, my children will know how much I love and respect them and will in turn show that same love and respect to me.