Strategy #20: Go walking

“The walk is likely to be helpful if we use the time to enjoy God’s world. The time is likely to be unproductive if we mentally heap hot coals upon our children’s heads. … As our focus turns from our irritation to our blessings, we are likely to have more helpful perspective.”

Sometimes it is helpful to step away from the situation and allow our minds to turn towards something else. I know that when I am feeling especially frustrated or upset, removing myself from the situation and getting out, helps me refocus my heart and mind. Even if I need to take my girls with me, just being away from where the problems were occurring (most often at home), brings me peace, and renews my energy, thus enabling me to interact more effectively with my children (and my husband).

Strategy #13: Breathe deeply

“Some people us a mindfulness of breathing as part of meditation. It can turn us from fretting to relaxing. It can help us resist anger.”

This strategy really compliments strategy #20. While going walking, I find it calming, and re-centering to breathe deeply. It helps me relax and turn my thoughts and feelings from anger, frustrations and irritations, and then return to the situation and take a more gentle approach in dealing with the issues.

Strategy #4: Look into the child’s heart

“Very often we judge our children’s behavior on their effects on us. If their actions (or inactions) irritate me, then the children are malicious – or at least careless and irresponsible.”

The issue that this strategy addresses, is one that I find I fall into so easily. While I don’t often feel as though my children are maliciously acting, I do often get irritated, and find myself thinking that it was done on purpose, or it was done because they weren’t listening or as the quote said being careless. For example, my three year old has this habit of moving her toys from one floor to another when picking up…it drives me nuts! But if I stop for a moment, I realize that she isn’t doing it to irritate me, chances are, she just needs me to give more detailed instructions. So, I could ask that she “put the toys away in their tubs, where they belong.” In addition, it would help if I take the time to help her and pick up along side of her. Yes, I know, this last part is hard, especially when you have a lot on your plate, like most parents do. But, I believe it will help her focus. Just to get her started might be enough.

“Sometimes their mistakes are simply the result of not knowing better, or being tired, or feeling thwarted and frustrated. To treat them harshly for their humanness is counterproductive.”

It is hard to know what our children are thinking, especially when they are young, as mine are. They have limited vocabulary and experience, and explaining things may not be easy for them. Sometimes we have to look at their actions to know, other times, getting down at their level to speak to them. I think my biggest problem is that I get caught up with what I am doing, that I just don’t take the time to observe or ask. By doing this, I would understand the situation, and my reaction to the behavior and/or mistake would be more gentle.

Strategy #16: Make sure your actions match your words

“Children only learn the meaning of our words by connecting them with our actions. When our words and actions don’t match, they believe our actions and ignore our words.”

How many times have you said one thing and then done the complete opposite without even thinking about it? I know I have. Or how about, said you were going to do something and then not followed through. A simple example, my three year old asks me to have daddy come back upstairs to give her another hug and kiss before she goes to bed. I go downstairs, get involved in something, and totally forget. Or maybe I go downstairs and in the hope that she just goes to sleep, I don’t tell him. What does this say to my daughter? That her request is not important to me? Do you think she’ll believe me as readily the next time, or the time after that?

Or what about those times when you tell your child that he’ll have to go sit in time out if he continues talking back and hitting you, but when he continues, you just give the same warning. Do you think he believes that you are actually going to do something?

Dr. Wally points out two important keys in this strategy:
(1) you should only say what intend to enforce
(2) you should only make rules that are important enough to enforce

This really takes a mindful effort at times. But it will save you a lot of trouble in the long run. I’ll be back tomorrow with a review of the next two strategies on my list.